Why I Continue to Visit My Hometown Despite the Struggle

Understanding the Dual Nature of Hometown Visits

Traveling back to my hometown is a complex experience. Over the years, my visits have become a mix of comfort and discomfort, calm and anxiety. Despite the discomfort, I find myself returning year after year. Why is that? What makes my hometown, the place of both my childhood trauma and subsequent joy, continue to attract me?

Years of Residing in My Mother's House

For nearly a dozen years, I have lived in my mother's house, which initially seemed like a sanctuary. Yet, it is a place that holds both comfort and sorrow. This story begins in October of the year I turned 11, when we moved to a new city just before my twelfth birthday. This relocation marked a significant change, as the city was an unfamiliar one, one I had only been acquainted with for a few months prior to attending school.

The move also brought with it a new set of challenges. As I transitioned from one familiar environment to another, the transition was less smooth than expected. The children I encountered assumed that my supposed state of being 'from Alaska' was stranger than being 'from Africa,' a remark that even made it into my school paper.

Initial Challenges and Moving Forward

In reality, the major challenge was not geographical but emotional. Being thrust into a new environment without proper supervision led to moments of isolation and struggle. For a few years, these challenges led to a period of angst and difficulty. Yet, through this turbulent time, I found solace in a place that, over time, transformed into a dual entity – a source of our most profound comfort and our deepest anxieties.

My Mother’s House: Comfort and Unsettling Reality

Since that pivotal move, my mother's house has been the foundation of my life. During this time, I've experienced a blend of the happiest and the most challenging moments. I’ve witnessed moments of joy and découvertes that have made my life meaningful, often in the most unlikely confines. Simultaneously, my life has been marked by difficult experiences, notably an unresolved trauma. These experiences have left an indelible mark on my psyche.

The unsettled state of my upbringing has manifested physically, too. I remember pacing restlessly, a behavior often mocked by my boyfriend for being unique to this place. Still, it's precisely in this house that I find the calmest and the most at peace. For that reason, it’s both a sanctuary and a place that reminds me of the unsettling past.

The Pull of Home

Therein lies the paradox. Despite the difficult past, the memories of my hometown provide reassurance and a sense of safety. It’s a place where I can stand tall not as a child, but as an adult, claiming my space. The pull of home is strong; it's the place where, regardless of the past, you always feel at your safest. Each visit to my hometown helps me confront these memories and reclaim a sense of control.

Ultimately, if you have ever found love, solace, or even pain in your town, understand that the place where you come from will continue to attract you. It is the cradle of your memories, the place where you can return not as a child, but as a fully formed individual.