Understanding the Dynamics of Scapegoating in Narcissistic Families: Beyond Fear of Being Outshined

Introduction

In the intricate dynamics of family relationships, narcissistic parents often engage in a practice known as scapegoating. Scapegoating refers to the act of picking out one child to unfairly criticize or blame, which can be a way of maintaining self-esteem and control in the family. While the choice of scapegoat is often influenced by a myriad of factors, the belief that a particular child might outshine the parent is just one of many potential influences. In this article, we explore the reasons behind this behavior and the broader implications of scapegoating within families led by narcissistic parents.

Projections of Insecurities

Narcissistic parents often project their own insecurities onto their children, viewing them as a threat to their self-image. When a child shows potential, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy in the parent, leading to the undermining of that child's confidence. These projections are powerful and can shape the dynamics of the entire family.

The Need for Control

Scapegoating is also a tool used by narcissistic parents to exert control over the family dynamic. By designating one child as the scapegoat, parents can manipulate the situation to fit their narrative. This manipulation often results in a power imbalance, where the designated scapegoat becomes a convenient target for the parent's negative behaviors.

Family Roles and Established Hierarchies

In dysfunctional families, specific roles often emerge, such as the golden child, the scapegoat, and the enabler. The scapegoat may be chosen based on their sensitivity, resilience, or the parent's perception of them as different or non-compliant. These choices are not always directly related to the child's potential but instead fit into the family's established roles and hierarchies. Scapegoating serves to reinforce the parent's need to feel superior, maintain a hierarchy, and reassert dominance.

A Personal Account: Standing Up to the Narcissistic Mother

From a personal perspective, the experience of becoming a scapegoat can be deeply painful and isolating. For example, at around the age of 10/11, the author began to develop a strong will, opinions, and a solid moral compass. Instead of passively accepting the control and criticism of their narcissistic mother, the author started to call out her manipulations and stand up for others.

This rebellion against the mother's control led to a series of heated exchanges when she made derogatory comments, such as racist, homophobic, or derogatory statements about individuals who were perceived as "fat." The author's growing self-awareness and moral convictions led to a challenge of the mother's control and attempts to maintain her own integrity. This resulted in the author becoming a significant thorn in the mother's side.

Despite having academic and career potential, the mother's attention on the author's academic achievements did not prevent her from choosing the author as the scapegoat. The author's decision to stand up for themselves and others, and to refuse to accommodate the bullying behavior, ultimately led to a life of isolation and occasional conflict with bullies and narcissists.

Conclusion

While the potential of a child can play a role in the dynamics of scapegoating, it is more often a manifestation of the narcissistic parent's insecurities, their need for control, and the established family roles and hierarchies rather than a calculated choice driven solely by fear of being outshined. Understanding and addressing these underlying issues is crucial for breaking the cycle of scapegoating and promoting healthier family dynamics.