The Nuances of Childhood Lies: Telling Our Children the World Isn't Always Fair

Children are often told lies to help them navigate the world, some of which can be confusing and even harmful in the long run. One common lie we often tell our children is 'be nice to everyone because they are just like you.' This can clash with intuitive warnings such as 'don’t talk to strangers' and 'if you see an adult who seems weird or crazy, cross the road.' Such contradictions can make childhood and adulthood feel confusing and contradictory.

From Classrooms to the Real World: Lessons Learned

Parents often emphasize the importance of treating every child kindly and fairly, even if some of them might seem distant or off-putting. My parents instilled in me the value of inclusivity and not picking on others. However, there are inherent risks and challenges in blindly applying this advice to every situation. During my elementary school years, I had a classmate who was a stark exception to this rule. Despite being part of all my classes, he had few real friends and most students avoided spending time with him, sensing something 'off' about him.

It was years later that I learned the gravity of the situation. My classmate had murdered his girlfriend's two-year-old daughter by strangulation, then wrapped the child in a rug and tossed the body into a dumpster, never allowing the mother to see her child alive or dead again. This shocking revelation illustrates the importance of intuition and discretion. While it's crucial to avoid negativity and harm, one must also be cautious and wise.

Societal Judgments: The Double Standard

Children are also warned that the world will judge them by their intelligence and character, but not their appearance, as we don’t 'judge a book by its cover.' However, the reality is more complex. In the real world, humans judge each other based on appearances, even if we might not admit it openly. This can lead to a double standard where appearance-based judgments are ignored when discussing outward appearance but still deeply ingrained in our subconscious and behavior.

Take the example of Millennials and Gen Z, who have made significant efforts to create a more appearance-blind society. While it’s acceptable to have unconventional hairstyles, piercings, and tattoos, there's still an underlying judgment based on such appearances. Such judgments persist, making it difficult to address the real issues openly. For instance, it’s deemed inappropriate to suggest that someone might face job or relationship challenges due to their appearance. Similarly, suggesting that a friend might improve their prospects by losing weight or addressing their health is often seen as taboo.

Towards a Deeper Understanding

The lie that we ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ is a start, but it’s incomplete. It’s important to acknowledge that we do indeed judge based on appearances, and this can have significant implications. Starting from empathy and inclusivity has made society more pleasant on the surface, but it has also obscured deeper, more critical issues.

We must find a balance between kindness and realism. Children should be encouraged to nurture inclusivity while also developing their instincts. As they grow, they need to be taught that while it’s important to be kind, it’s equally important to be wise and discerning. This involves recognizing the implicit biases and judgments that exist, without harboring judgment or negativity.

Parents, educators, and society as a whole must work together to create an environment where children can learn these valuable lessons in a constructive way. This includes fostering open and honest discussions about the complexities of human nature and societal expectations. By providing children with a more nuanced understanding, we can help them develop into well-rounded, thoughtful, and empathetic individuals who can navigate the world with grace and wisdom.