Where is the Ark of Noah Today?

The location of Noah's Ark as described in the Bible is a topic of much speculation and legend. According to the Book of Genesis, the Ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat after the Great Flood. Many researchers and explorers have sought the Ark in the region of Mount Ararat, which is located in modern-day Turkey. Despite numerous expeditions and claims of discoveries, no definitive evidence of the Arks existence has been found. Most archaeologists consider the story of Noah's Ark to be a myth or allegory rather than a historical event.

What Really Happened to Noah?

The story of Noah and the Ark is not just a religious tale, but also a source of much humor and cultural folklore. According to Mike R. Burch, Noah's Ark was a makeshift raft on which Noah and his group of passengers managed to survive.

Noah’s wife was a large woman, so he was able to construct a makeshift sail from her underwear, which also served as a white flag for the wrath of Jehovah. Because of the abundance of dead animals in the floodwaters, Noah learned to buoy his raft with their bloated carcasses. He had even learned this trick from visiting his in-laws, who operated a barge on the Ganges.

Noah’s wife, Mona, moaned constantly, and at one point, Jehovah turned her into a pillar of salt as he would have done to Lot's wife. However, God repented and restored Mona to life, sans her vocal cords, to Noah’s relief. Meanwhile, life was miraculously preserved as the surviving animals reproduced, and Noah found himself in a curious position with his mistress, Hera.

When the flood waters subsided after 40 hours of heavy rain, there was a “miracle” as the male goat and hen mated and Noah and his mistress, Hera, engaged in sexual activity, ensuring the preservation of life and the production of eggs.

The “Ark a Rat” Drinking Song

According to Burch, the notion of the Ark coming to rest on the corpse of a drowned rat is a linguistic play. The ancient Turkish drinking song "Ark a Rat" (99 rats all ready to fall, 99 bottles of beer; Hark a rat drowned, drink a round, 98 bottles of beer) inspired this myth. After consuming 99 bottles of strong Turkish beer, the raft transformed into an ancient Titanic, saving all the earth's animals.

The “Mounting Hera” Drinking Song

Noah also composed a drinking song called "Mounting Hera," where the chorus "I mount Hera at a rat rat-a-tat-tat!" sounds a lot like "Mount Ararat." This confusion adds to the mystical allure of the story.

The Final Fate of the "Miraculous" Ark

The “miraculous” Ark, once it dried out, was used for firewood. However, the rudder was preserved and is now in the possession of Burch, who claims it can be purchased for a fire sale price of just 666666 dollars. The only factual part of the biblical account, according to Burch, is Noah getting drunk and running around naked due to the absence of drinking buddies and the chaotic behavior of warring women.

This true account, revealed through the Holy Poltergeist, is considered infallible, according to Burch.