Why Do Parents Compare Their Children to Others?

In today's society, the constant comparison of children is a common practice among parents. This article explores the root causes of such behavior, its negative impacts, and offers practical advice on how to foster a supportive and healthy environment for children to grow.

Root Causes of Comparison

Parents often compare their children with others due to a variety of factors, primarily rooted in insecurity and ego. As a parent, often myself, I have noticed how mothers and fathers frequently make comparisons between their children and those of others. It is an unspoken but pervasive phenomenon. Children may excel in the same or different areas, yet it is common for parents to gauge their progress against others.

The Impact of Constant Comparison

I believe the comparison culture is an endless rat race. Each comparison creates a burden on an individual. It is reminiscent of the unending competition in the modern world, where benchmarks are set and constantly surpassed. However, an individual often forgets the importance of living in the present and cherishing their successes. It is crucial to understand that every child has unique potential, and comparing them to a standard that is not their own is detrimental.

Consequences of Child Comparison

For instance, a fourth-grade child being compared to other children is unjust. There will always be someone better at something, and this persistent comparison can create a significant burden on a child. I have had a personal experience that illustrates this point vividly. One of my students, who scored 83 in school, was harshly criticized by her mother. The mother's comment, "Your brain is full of garbage. Look at the marks others have scored," only worsened the situation. The student even cried and felt as though she was a failure, despite being a brilliant child. This comparison not only affects the child's self-esteem but also their overall development.

Importance of Hard Work

Instead of comparing children to others, parents should emphasize the importance of hard work. Every individual has different potential and different paths to success. A student’s learning and growth should be celebrated, not compared to others. Too often, children are made to feel inadequate because they haven't performed as well as their peers. Parents should encourage their children to strive for improvement, to be ambitious, and to work hard, but not to compare themselves to others based on scores or achievements.

As a student once shared with me, 'I feel so bad, Didi, am I really that bad?' This reaction is a testament to the damage caused by such comparisons.

The Survival of the Fittest Theory

While comparison can be detrimental, it is also important to acknowledge that human nature often drives us to strive and achieve greatness. This competitive spirit has historically led to the survival of the fittest according to Charles Darwin’s theory. It is natural for individuals to want to outdo each other in various aspects of life, such as in studies, sports, politics, beauty, and fitness. This competition can be healthy if it motivates individuals to improve themselves.

Encouraging Healthy Aspirations

Parents should focus on teaching their children the value of hard work over comparison. They should set achievable goals and goals that are meaningful to their child. Encouraging them to aspire to better themselves, to be ambitious, and to focus on their personal growth rather than on benchmarks set by others can help. This approach not only fosters a supportive environment but also helps children develop a more positive self-image.

Conclusion

While comparisons are a common practice among parents, it is important to recognize the potential harm they can cause. Instead, fostering an environment that values hard work, self-improvement, and personal growth can lead to healthier and happier children. Parents can play a crucial role in shaping their children's attitudes and helping them understand that their unique journey is worth celebrating.

References

1. Darwin, C. (1859). On the Origin of Species. John Murray.

This article serves as a guide for parents and educators to navigate the sensitive topic of child comparison, promoting a more positive and constructive approach to child development.