Revealing the Inner World of a Psychopath: Living Openly with My Diagnosis

Living openly as a psychopath has its challenges, particularly when family and friends don't understand the nuances of my condition. I do not shy away from sharing my diagnosis, especially with those who truly know and trust me. However, the implications of my psychopathy are often misunderstood.

Family and Personal Relationships

My family, including my birth family and close friends, are aware of my diagnosis. While this knowledge doesn't affect their feelings of 'love' toward me, it certainly affects their perception of my actions. For example, my mom has had a difficult time coming to terms with my psychopathy and the actions that led to it. She didn't so much question the psychopathy itself but the consequences of it, like my criminal conduct.

My mother believed I had ADHD when I was diagnosed at 7, due to my hyperactive behavior, lack of fear, and constantly exploring. I didn't get in much trouble at home, but I recall setting traps and once attempting to poison my family out of curiosity. My lies were primarily justified by valid reasons, such as getting revenge or avoiding suspicion. Despite my seemingly manipulative tendencies, my mom often ignored or rationalized my behavior.

Understanding and Manipulation

As a child, I became fascinated with understanding the emotions of others. One particularly poignant example involves a 2- or 3-year-old boy who died unexpectedly at the daycare I attended. I recall wondering why I was different, feeling no grief or sadness, and being excited by the prospect of experiencing and exploring emotions of others. My manipulation of these emotions continued into my preteen years, leading to my arrest for a serious violent charge.

Throughout my life, I have been described as the 'strongest person' by my mother, but also as someone who struggles with feelings of remorse and empathy. This duality has caused her significant grief and denial. My mother eventually had to confront the reality of my condition and the criminal conduct that came with it.

Struggles and Resilience

Despite the challenges, I have learned to navigate these complexities. I use an alias publicly and only reveal my identity if I consider the person 'worth it' and trustworthy. My mom’s defensiveness, denial, and later acceptance have been emotionally taxing. She has tried to redirect me to become a 'ruthless business person' and even suggested skydiving to provide 'legal thrills.'

Looking back, it is clear that my psychopathy is less of an issue than the notoriety that came with it. People generally like me when they meet me, and while I don't always share my diagnosis, I have no problem discussing it if the person is interested. My mom's journey from denial to acceptance has been a long and difficult one, but it has also strengthened my understanding of myself and the world around me.

Conclusion

Living openly as a psychopath is a journey filled with challenges and revelations. While sharing my diagnosis with loved ones has its benefits, it also requires navigating emotional terrain that is often misunderstood. My story is a testament to the resilience and complexity of the human experience, especially when faced with conditions that defy societal norms.