Recognizing the Difference Between Complaints and Observations in Communication

The difference between complaints and observations lies primarily in the intent and tone of the communication. Understanding this distinction is crucial for effective communication and problem-solving.

Complaints vs. Observations: Definitions

Complaining typically involves expressing dissatisfaction or annoyance about a situation, a person, or an event. The tone is often negative or critical, focusing on what is wrong or what one dislikes. The intent is usually to voice frustration or seek validation for feelings of discontent. It may also imply a desire for change or resolution.

Observations, on the other hand, are neutral statements or remarks about something that is noticed or perceived without an emotional charge. The tone is usually objective and factual, focusing on the situation as it is. The intent is often to share information, highlight a fact, or prompt discussion without implying dissatisfaction.

Examples:

Complaint example: I have been waiting for 30 minutes, and you haven't arrived. What are you going to do about it? Observation example: I noticed that you were 30 minutes late today.

Summary:

In essence, complaining is often subjective and emotionally charged, while observations are objective and fact-based. Recognizing this difference can help in communication, allowing for clearer discussions about issues without the negativity associated with complaints.

Complaining vs. Observations: Steps and Empowerment

Between observing and complaining are two essential steps: I see and This makes me feel.

I see means identifying the situation or behavior. This statement is neutral and fact-based. It is not evaluative but merely states what you have observed.

This makes me feel is where you express your emotional response to the situation. It is crucial to connect your feelings to the observed behavior to maintain the focus on personal reactions rather than blame.

Many people miss these two steps in between, leading to ineffective communication and misunderstanding. An essential part of complaining is that it lacks empowerment. You complain because you feel or think the other party needs to resolve the situation. Sometimes this is true, but complaints are more about your feelings of dissatisfaction than the observed facts.

Empowering Communication: Steps to Effective Feedback

To resolve these issues, it's essential to focus on agreement on the observed objective. Next, make the other person understand what this means to you, often different than the intention of the other. Finally, you can express your feelings if necessary, and then ask for a resolution.

Example Dialogues

Dialogue 1:

I have waited for 30 minutes for you, yes, you haven't done this to me. This makes me feel that I have no priority for you, and I was nursing the baby.

Response: Baby is more important to me indeed...

Dialogue 2:

I have waited 30 minutes for you, yes, you haven't done this to me. This makes me feel lousy; I wasted time waiting instead of working on our mutual goal. Sorry, I didn't realize that.

Response: Next time you make an appointment with me, be on time or give me another moment to meet.

Complaining version:

I have waited 30 minutes for you, what are you going to do about it?

Summary:

By clearly differentiating between complaints and observations, maintaining an objective tone, and focusing on personal feelings, you can enhance communication, foster understanding, and solve problems more effectively. Empowering communication helps in shifting the focus from blame to understanding and action.