Navigating the Pain of a Narcissist’s Cheating in a Long-Distance Relationship

I was in a long-distance relationship with a covert narcissist until very recently. The hurt and betrayal add a new dimension to dealing with someone who has emotionally distanced themselves from you.

Understanding Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissists are known for their manipulative behaviors disguised as care and attention. They often have a stable home life with someone else but find it unsatisfying, seeking out new relationships to fill the void. Despite outward displays of intimacy, their true intentions are not always aligned with your happiness and well-being. In my case, I was paired with a covert narcissist who had a stable life with a wife, yet still sought out another relationship on the side.

The relationship started off with wonderful moments, filled with love bombing, idealization, and mutual care. It was a time of deep connection and intimacy, despite some ED (erectile dysfunction) issues. We both felt a deep and lasting bond, but it wasn't enough for him. Early on, he mentioned another woman and suggested that if he had a new relationship closer to home, he would pursue it, indicating that the long-distance relationship wasn't what he really wanted.

Emotional Cheating and Gaslighting

Emotional cheating is a form of infidelity that is often subtle and harder to detect. In my case, the covert narcissist cultivated a relationship with another woman, arranging walks and ensuring she lived nearby. When I tried to address the matter and express my emotions, I was met with stonewalling and gaslighting. Attempts to explain the deep hurt were ignored or dismissed, and I felt my feelings were being dismissed as "insane jealousy." This behavior was a sign of his inability to understand and empathize with my feelings.

When his wife moved out, I thought we would have more freedom to pursue the relationship. However, he refused to stop seeing the other woman, whom he now described as someone he "liked a lot." This further confirmed that he was not committed to me and was prioritizing his own emotional needs over mine.

The Psychological Toll

Emotional betrayal in a long-distance relationship can be particularly painful. The absence of physical intimacy can make emotional cheating even more damaging. I felt deeply devalued as he continued to pursue other interests, despite my attempts to make the relationship work.

At the last visit, I noticed some negative behavior that I hadn't seen before, and a rather strange outburst when I got too close. I decided to end the visit early, as I couldn't handle the difficult emotions anymore. I felt he had to figure out what he really wanted, and now I know that he will never know what he wants from someone else. True empathy, respect, love, and commitment are part of a language he doesn’t understand. This realization was pivotal in understanding the nature of his actions and the emotional turmoil I was experiencing.

Conclusion

The stages of covert narcissism's behavior are no different in a long-distance relationship; they just might take longer. It's also easier for them to cheat at a distance, but it might be easier for you to deal with no contact at a distance as well, especially if you don't engage on social media. I’ve been dealing with the emotional fallout for nearly a month now, but the pain and betrayal have been significant.

If you are sure that you are dealing with a covert narcissist, cut your losses now before it gets even harder. You deserve better than to be subjected to manipulation and emotional pain.