Debunking the Myth: Are Manipulative People Actually Remorseful?

Do manipulative people truly feel remorse for their actions? This question has puzzled many, especially those who have experienced the harmful effects of manipulation from close individuals or even in romantic relationships. Let’s delve deep into the psychology behind manipulators and why true remorse seems to be a rarity.

Understanding Manipulative Behavior

What is a manipulator?

A manipulator is someone who uses information and circumstances to influence others to do what they want. This can range from simple psychological tricks to more severe coercive tactics. Despite the various methods used, the underlying motive is almost always self-serving.

Manipulation is not inherently wrong. However, when it involves deceit, coercion, or harm, it becomes problematic. If the goal is unjust or if harm is brought to another person, then there is certainly a reason to feel guilt and remorse. The key takeaway here is that manipulative behavior is intentional, planned, and carried out with the full knowledge of its consequences.

Manipulative Behavior in Relationships

Manipulative behavior often goes unchecked in personal and intimate relationships. Even in my own family, where my mother is described as a narcissist and PH.D in manipulating her child, and in ex-relationships, I have observed a consistent pattern. These individuals rarely, if ever, apologize for their actions unless it serves a specific purpose, often to manipulate the other person.

Considerations of guilt and remorse seem foreign to manipulative individuals. They maintain an unwavering stance of misplaced responsibility, often asserting that they are not at fault. This attitude can make it difficult for them to acknowledge their wrongdoing, let alone express genuine remorse.

Fake Apologies and Gaslighting

Manipulative individuals may offer apologies, but these are often insincere. They often use deceptive or manipulative language, making it challenging to differentiate between genuine remorse and a strategic apology. Here are some common phrases manipulators use:

“I know I’m pushy and obnoxious, but it’s only because I really care about you.” “I know you think I’m an asshole, but I’m that way because of your lack of experience.” “If I didn’t care so much, nothing would get done.” “You deserve better than me.” “I know I’m the worst ____.”

These statements serve to minimize the impact of their actions and often lead to gaslighting, where the victim is made to question their perception of reality. Manipulators expect reassurance and validation of their actions, rather than accepting responsibility for their behavior.

The Psychology of Manipulative Individuals

The idea that manipulative individuals feel true remorse is frequently questioned. The desires to avoid responsibility and self-assessment are common traits. Manipulators prefer to shift the blame and maintain a facade of righteousness. They often use evasive language and turn the conversation towards the emotions of the victim, rather than taking personal accountability.

A genuine apology involves taking ownership of one’s actions, acknowledging the harm caused, and expressing sincere regret. However, manipulative individuals are unlikely to do this effectively. Their apologies are more about themselves and often include a self-pitying tone, further confusing the victim and deflecting blame.

For example, a true apology might start with:

I’m sorry that I made you feel this way. I realize that my actions were harmful, and I take full responsibility for them.

On the other hand, a manipulative apology might sound like:

You’re overreacting. I know I was pushy, but it’s only because I really care about you. You’re just too sensitive.

Why Journaling Can Help

Initiatives to cope with the effects of manipulation, such as seeking therapy or journaling, can be beneficial. Journaling can serve as a tool for emotional regulation, self-reflection, and recovery. Writing down one’s experiences and reflections can provide a clearer picture of the manipulative behavior and aid in processing emotions.

In my experience, journaling has helped me to better understand my feelings and develop healthier coping mechanisms. It’s a personal space where one can express themselves without judgment and trace patterns of manipulation.

Conclusion

Manipulative people are rarely genuinely remorseful. Their behavior is driven by self-interest, and they employ strategies to minimize their accountability and maintain control over the narrative. While this behavior can be emotionally taxing, understanding the underlying psychology can offer a path to recovery for those affected. If you find yourself in a similar situation, consider seeking support and exploring self-care practices to safeguard your mental and emotional well-being.

By recognizing the patterns of manipulation and responding assertively, you can regain control and navigate through these challenging experiences.