Guidelines for Adult Children Living at Home: When to Enforce Rules and How to Communicate

Parents often juggle the balancing act of providing support and fostering independence in their grown children who choose to continue living at home. This article explores when parents should start enforcing rules for adult children, emphasizing the importance of clear communication and mutual respect.

Setting Boundaries at an Early Age

It's essential to establish rules and expectations from the moment children move out of their parents' homes. As parents, start by setting boundaries as soon as your child reaches adulthood, regardless of their age or their intentions to move out. This approach ensures that both parents and children are aligned on expectations.

Setting rules early also helps prepare adult children for the responsibilities they will bear when they eventually leave home. For example, rules such as curfews, houseguest allowances, and chore responsibilities should be established when they are young adults. These guidelines provide a foundation for their future lives as responsible adults.

Expectations and Financial Responsibility

Once an adult child moves back home, the rules might become stricter due to the increased burden on the parents. It's crucial to make it clear that children are expected to support themselves financially. Adult children should contribute to household expenses, such as groceries, utilities, and internet. This financial contribution not only helps the family but also instills a sense of responsibility.

Moreover, if your child is unemployed or underemployed, set a timeline for finding and maintaining a job. For instance, you might require them to have a job within six months of returning home and to be in their own living situation within eight months. If they fail to meet these expectations, it's essential to follow through with consequences, such as a 60-day eviction notice.

Communication and Clear Expectations

Effective communication is key in setting and enforcing rules. Clearly outline the expectations for living under your roof. Emphasize that they are guests in your home and must adhere to your rules. Here are the expectations you might consider:

No running in the house: This applies to both children and adults, especially when they are young. No overnight guests: Unless pre-approved by you. Chores: Responsibilities such as washing dishes or doing laundry. Polite behavior: Treating all members of the household with respect and gratitude.

Be firm but fair in your communication. Remember that as parents, you have the authority to set and enforce these rules, but it's essential to do so in a respectful and understanding manner. Older children can be more stubborn and headstrong, so addressing these issues early and directly can prevent future conflicts.

Empathy and Flexibility

Understanding individual circumstances is crucial when setting and enforcing rules. For instance, if your child is dealing with a difficult situation, such as a divorce or health issues, you might need to be more flexible in your expectations. However, this doesn't mean you can't set and enforce rules. It simply means communicating with empathy and flexibility.

One example of this flexibility can be seen in a personal story: The author lived with her parents for a month after her divorce at the age of 35. The rule was to call if she would be out overnight but not if she was just out late. Her father, under the guidance of her mother, had to follow a rule that he not offer her food, as she was dieting. Eventually, he understood her situation and adapted his behavior accordingly. Rules can change over time and should be adjusted based on the home dynamics and the needs of all family members.

Conclusion

Setting and enforcing rules for adult children living at home is a delicate balance between providing support and fostering independence. By establishing clear expectations and communicating effectively, parents can help their children navigate the challenges of living independently while still maintaining a supportive home environment.

Remember that rules and responsibilities should be communicated clearly from an early age, and consistent enforcement is key to maintaining harmony within the household. With patience and understanding, parents can guide their adult children toward becoming responsible, independent adults.