Craziest Dungeons and Dragons Story Ever Told: A College Shooter’s Tale

Back in my college days, I managed to?DM?(Dungeon Master) a game involving four players - three guys and a girl. As we were all seniors, alcohol was frequently a part of the gatherings. Some of the guys would make passes at this girl, but she tried to maintain her character's persona, being the teasingly flirtatious kind of elf wizard. This is the story that stands out the most among all my DMing adventures.

The Adventure Begins

The party had just finished defeating a cave of giants and was heading back home. Our wizard, playing the elf, was gathering alchemy ingredients along the trail. For some reason, she then decided to pick up a long thin rock. No one, including me, had any idea why. But it was just another day in college DD!

A Turn of Events

Deciding to grab a few drinks at the local tavern to wrap up our campaign, the elf wizard picked up the rock and announced that it felt infused with magical power. With this totally improvised detail, I had to quickly think on my feet. In a clever (or more like ridiculous) move, the bard, an NPC familiar to all players, decided to tell a story about the 'Penis of Vecna'. This story involved Vecna, the cruel lich, having an affair with two kobolds. One of them, getting jealous, chopped off Vecna’s genitals and threw them into a fire.

The Reveal and Chaos

Suddenly, the paladin stood up, raising his sword and the rock high into the air. He exclaimed, 'This must be it! My God told me I would find something to use to rid the world of evil!' It was a complete and utter huddle in the room as the players immediately realized what this rock could mean - that it was an artifact of Vecna.

The guy playing the dwarf declared he would make an attack roll. I was stunned as he proceeded to swing his axe at the paladin! 'You’re sitting in a tavern getting wasted! What are you attacking?' he retorted. The chaos had begun.

The Artifact and the Barfight

It turned out, these two players thought that the random rock they picked up was a mystical piece of Vecna. They were now in a drunken argument about who was going to replace their body part with the artifact. The dwarf, after winning the 'barfight', announced, 'I stand there and put my boot on the head of my vanquished foe! I lower my pants and look at the ranger.' He then asked the ranger to cut off his dick with a scimitar!

The Tragic Consequence

The ranger, ever the character, did so but I interrupted the scene, reminding them that the wound wasn’t cauterized. The dwarf bled to death right there in the tavern. Two of our PCs were now dead. The ranger then announced he would cast a spell to summon a gorilla. I was utterly shocked and reminded him that they were in a tavern, with no discernible gorilla summoning capabilities.

It was a mix of excitement and horror. Having players genuinely believing they could achieve this was hilarious but also a testament to the power of improv in DD. This story exemplifies why college DD nights are something to remember for a lifetime—or at least until you reach middle age and wish you could forget them.

Keywords: Dungeons and Dragons, DMing, DD Story