Borderline Personality Disorder: Understanding Regret and Forgiveness in Relationships

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be a tumultuous journey, marked by intense emotions, impulsive behaviors, and a fear of abandonment. One of the most frequently discussed topics is the concept of respect and forgiveness, particularly in relation to leaving those who engage in unacceptable behaviors. This piece explores the complexities and nuances of these dynamics from a personal perspective, offering insights into the often challenging journey of managing BPD.

The Perspective of a Sufferer: A Different Kind of Regret

From my experience as someone living with BPD, the idea that one might not respect those who leave is a common misconception. While it's true that many people believe in unconditional forgiveness, my personal journey has been marked by a deep sense of regret, coupled with an overwhelming need to apologize. It's not that I do not respect the other person; rather, it's more about the constant struggle to manage my illness and the volatile emotions it brings.

A Family Support System

Much of the support I've received has come from my family and friends, who have been incredibly understanding and patient throughout my journey. Despite the sharp and often hurtful words I might say during episodes, I've been fortunate to have a network of people who accept me for who I am, flaws and all. Understanding and forgiveness from those around me have been crucial in my recovery and in managing the disease effectively.

The Importance of Self-Interest

When faced with the decision to prioritize one's own well-being, the question often becomes, 'What is best for me?’ This can be a deeply personal and complex choice. If we consider making decisions solely based on what is best for ourselves, without the immediate influence of a response from another person, it opens up a different realm of consideration. It's not about selfishness, but rather about taking care of oneself in a way that brings long-term peace and stability.

Managing Arguments and Episodes

For someone living with BPD, arguments can be especially challenging. When I'm in a contentious situation, it's not uncommon for me to lash out at the other person, often for something as minimal as being told I am wrong. These episodes are a manifestation of the volatility that comes with my condition. Another frequent scenario involves being on a 'down' episode and engaging in an argument, which can last for an extended period and lead to regret months later. In both cases, the respect towards the other person diminishes rapidly.

Denying Wrongdoing and Moving On

The aftermath of such episodes often involves a deep recognition of my behavior and the harm it causes. However, the nature of BPD is such that forgiveness is not just about acknowledging the harm, but also about managing the ongoing struggle with my illness. Denial of wrongdoing is a common symptom, and I often rationalize my actions. This makes it easier to let go and move on, rather than constantly seeking forgiveness. The cycle of volatility and subsequent regret creates a reality where I simply do not care about the relationship anymore. This choice is not driven by disregard for the other person, but rather by a need to prioritize my own mental well-being.

Understanding and Acceptance

It's important to understand that the journey of managing BPD is not about being cold or uncaring. It's about finding a balance between self-preservation and building healthy relationships. While I might not seek to get the other person back, the relationship is not without value; it's just that the priority shifts towards my own well-being. This does not mean that I feel no obligation to apologize, but the process of forgiveness becomes more individual and self-focused.

Self-Reflection and Growth

The process of learning to manage my triggers and emotions is ongoing. Understanding myself and my condition has helped me in making more deliberate decisions that prioritize my mental health. While it's easier to 'fck them off and move on,' this is not about being uncaring. It's about understanding that certain relationships require more energy and emotional investment than I am capable of sustaining at this stage in my life.

This video explains BPD like never before. It summarizes the highs and lows of living with this disorder, providing a more comprehensive view of the emotional and psychological challenges.

Living with BPD is a unique experience, marked by its complexities and nuances. While the concept of respect and forgiveness often revolves around a general expectation of unconditional love and understanding, the reality for many sufferers is more nuanced. Finding a balance between self-preservation and building meaningful relationships is a continuous journey.