A Sarcastic Take on Spider-Man 2: The Never-Ending Screamfest

Spider-Man 2 (2004) is a corny, unfunny churn of a blockbuster movie, hidden behind a wall of nostalgic hype and just a couple of decent scenes. The main star of the show? That would be poor Tobey Maguire, who I can only assume holds down a fart every time he’s in a scene. But let’s be clear, good acting wasn’t invented until 2005 - Maguire was simply making due with what was available in 2004.

What’s So Bad About the Acting?

Take a look at FANTASTIC acting from Tobey Maguire! Really, it’s not as if he’s holding a fart or something. Just watch, he’s TOTALLY fighting back TONS OF STEEL to save countless lives.

The Dialogue: From Lame to Lamer

Now let’s talk about the DIALOGUE. The movie is chock-full of gems like:

“Here’s your change!” A bad quip even by Spider-Man standards. Truly, just really bad.

“To MJ over a dead phone line]…I’m Spider-Man. Weird huh” Pete Lurie, really. MJ will TOTALLY believe that you broke up with her to go beat up some weirdo in a metal fursuit and now a second weirdo with more arms than the guy with “Spider” in his name.”

Add to this the infamously terrible line:

“That’s really something, to become a monster and just sit there in your ‘This is how I was when I was alive’ stage, and die in that way. Doesn’t bother you? Not one bit? That’s crazy, isn’t it? Everyone who dies, dies the same way… the absolute same. Engulfed in flames. Complete, total, constant, eternal pain. THAT’s how you die. It’s a manifestation of your choices. Your heart. Your fears. Your ambitions. It consumes you, until everything is gone. Until the only thing left to do is to go on to the next life, where you do the same. And the same. And the same. But sometimes, occasionally, once in a while… a person can choose to die a hero. A hero. Of course, it only works for one death,” (Spider-Man 2, 2004)

The Villain Problem

The rest of this movie is just mediocre. Let’s do a quick rundown:

Mary-Jane Watson still SUCKS. She’s nice, has hair, and some dialogue with little-to-no personality - or anything but pretty hair. The movie is over TWO HOURS LONG. TWO HOURS with AT LEAST a quarter of that being nothing but pointless “chatter” that does nothing but prove that nobody could act in 2004! Yes, seriously, moving on. We get ANOTHER VILLAIN with split-personalities. Just like in Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy, this trope has been overused and seen better done: Green Goblin, Venom, Harry Osborn, and various other villains with issues that conveniently fit the “split personality” arc.

Character Development and Fallout

Peter Parker is a jerk! No, not like in the other movies where he’s always a jerk, but Tobey’s Spider-Man is a dick! He plays with his friends’ family, even his AUNT MAY’s emotions, and expects no consequences. He’s like a child who thinks it’s a game to be scared of a balloon.

Is he going to stay away from MJ for her safety, or will he stay WITH her despite the risk? The movie doesn’t tell you, and the audience is left confused. Peter Parker is a complex character with a lot to learn, but his motivations are inconsistent and underdeveloped in this film.

The Fight Scenes: An Unlikely Gem

The movie has one decent fight scene, which is arguably better than the worst acting of the 2000s. However, it's still overshadowed by the overwhelming pile of mediocrity. The fight scenes aren’t the only issue; the dialogue is riddled with inconsistencies and incoherence.

One of the highlights of the movie is Alfred Molina’s Doctor Octopus. He comes off as menacing evil and is a ton of fun to watch - with the exception of when he doesn’t!

Sam Raimi’s Legacy

The movie was the product of Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire. It’s a schlockfest of a film, and I love every single second of it. I can’t wait for more pizza time. If you enjoyed the movie for any of the reasons mentioned above, then consider yourself part of a fan club that doesn’t need justification for its love.